So I got quite a number of reactions to my last post. Hmmmm… some guys didn’t think it was funny o. Some thought it was a premeditated hit below the belt. Jor o! I didn’t set out to offend anybody.
Anyway, talking about reactions, a certain person, didn’t think a simple comment on my post would suffice. Not at all. Instead, homeboy took matters into his own hands and responded with an epistle.
So here’s introducing my very first guest blogger
Please welcome the comical @Sirkastiq from The Sarcastic Center.
Oh… and please don’t forget to leave a comment. I’d love to hear what you think.
Life is a bitch.
A bitch is a female dog.
Life is a female dog.
I wonder why life is considered female and why it has been correlated to a dog. However, I shall not brood on these matters, at least not today. This Lord’s day, I shall deal with a more pressing matter. A matter that has plagued the male race for eons. A problem that has (somehow) evaded any sort of solution. Today is however the day of salvation. Brethren! Our moment of emancipation is here! Slap your neighbor a hi-5 and say “NEIGHBOUR!” say NEIGHBOUR, DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF THE FRIENDZONE? Good stuff. Now take a seat.
So, I read the post by ‘the bespectacled one’ on how we (guys) can’t accept the “just a friend” tag and I was very annoyed. After much thought, I went ahead and did some research on how my niggas can escape from this devilish zone. Alright, guys, enjoy and thank me later.
DISCLAIMER: Before your sorry asses start pointing fingers and throwing stones at me, may I state at this point that this post is a result of carefully conducted “research”. The content emanates from the findings of other ‘scientists’ and this here serves as the confluence of their results. I know that awon omo jati jati are looking for the next plagiarist to impale and it shan’t be me.
Now we shall proceed.
Like all cases, it is necessary that we dig deep to unravel the mysterious history of the friend zone. Before that however, for the unlearned in our midst
(i wonder what you’re finding here by the way), I shall give a definition or two of the friend zone. According to Wikipedia, the “friend zone” refers to a platonic relationship where one person wishes to enter into a romantic relationship while the other does not. It is generally considered to be an undesirable situation by the lovelorn person. In simple parlance, quoting the revered Mother Theresa, “The Friend zone is that shitty place where the girl you like, for some unknown dumb reason sees you as a brother rather than the guy that should be giving her a good shag on the regular”.
Now that that’s out of the way, let’s dig deeper into the annals of history and find out who started this menace that we all have faced at one point or the other. Let me take you way back to 1994 where it all started. Yes 1994, on that sit-com we all love; “Friends”. That’s where the friend zone was born. Remember Ross and Rachel? The buggers. Suffice it to say that the originator of this God-forbid zone is Ross. *minute of silence please*
Thus, a monster was created!
Are you in the friend zone? Has that girl repeatedly told you “I want a guy just like you”? Are you tired of being the one she asks to go with her to the loo when she wants to pee? Are you tired of the way she tells you about all the boys that hit on her? DO YOU WANT EMANCIPATION FROM THIS SLAVERY? If your answers to these questions were “yes”, welcome to your liberation center for the time of your deliverance is NOW! Turn to your neighbor and… Ok. Let’s move on…
Before we proceed though, it shall be unsafe to assume that some of you even understand the zone you’re in. How are you sure she likes you at all sef? Let’s make some things clear and set things straight. Now, these don’t necessarily mean she’s so much into you but at least, it’s a good sign that things could proceed out of the friend zone.
- She’s laughing at your jokes even when they aren’t funny. However, just don’t confuse a “get me out of here giggle for “OMG!!! You’re slaying me!”
- She tells you to take a sip of her drink. This kinda means “I am comfortable with you on a more intimate level” OR she thinks there’s some poison in the drink… so yeah…
- She asks you if you have a girlfriend or pries for the information. When a woman is around a guy she is attracted to, she will ask if he has a girlfriend, she might not hit the nail on the head but she will find a way around it.
- She calls you a player. Strange right? You would think that when she says this, she’s not interested. LIE! This is one of the counter-intuitive things that ladies do. We’ve been in the game long enough to know. When she says this, PLEASE do NOT try to defend yourself and say you aren’t a player. Go on with the conversation, smile and say something like “Wow! Is it that obvious?” For her to say this, it means two things – one, she’s comfortable enough with you to make such an ‘accusation’ and two, she perceives you as the kinda guy that talks to a LOT of women. Winning!
Ok, now that we have established that she might like you, let’s get you out of the friend zone shall we? You have no idea how much of a favor I’m doing you with this post. Ok then. Let me graphically attempt to help you understand the height of your problem
Shey now you see that it’s not BEANS!
Now the GOLDEN RULE: NEVER EVER EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS DIRECTLY. Don’t tell her you want to be more than friends. No! No!! No!!! I know you’ve wallowed in the pits of the friend zone for longer than you bargained for but this is a major bitch ass move to make. In fact, it ruins everything. So here’s what you do.
- You don’t need her. Shut up! I know you do but don’t make it so obvious. Don’t be available always. Don’t pick her call before it rings, heck! Don’t give her a special ringtone or save her name as ‘Angel’. Please don’t do that!!! The trick is to focus on yourself, be engulfed in projects, hobbies etc. This gives you a legitimate excuse to blow her off sometimes and “make it up to her” later. In this make up time, give her the time of her life and then, disappear again. Just ensure that you aren’t at her beck and call. I know she has you on BBM, when she sends you a message, don’t read it, just END CHAT. It won’t show as ‘R’ but as ‘D’. You can then tell her later that you were busy or something like that.
Encourage yourself… oya, continue..
- You find her attractive BUT she has competition. When you are with her, make sure you obviously notice other girls and comment on their beauty. If you can’t tell whether they just walked out of photoshop, comment on something like their legs “damn, baby got legs for daysss!” Anything to make her a bit jealous, please don’t ga’an compliment someone who isn’t all that o! This should be done in moderation sha. When she says something like “na wa 4 you, you’re just an ashawo” This is a good time to say “relax babe, they still ain’t got nothing on you”. DO NOT STARE in her eyes after saying this, just move right on… like a bawse.
- You have high standards: Talk about the things you desire in a woman and use them to qualify her. Don’t wait for her to start telling you her preferences o. Put her on the back foot. Yes brag a bit. Tell her you could hook up with any girl but you’re yet to find the one with *insert your preferences here*. She will most likely tell you what she likes as well, which makes for good conversation as you can pick up some points. PLEASE DO NOT SAY “like me shey?” This statement disgusts them more than the love letters they get in their Facebook inbox.
- You are a sexual being. Yes. Talk about sex. Here’s how. You can talk of the things you would love to experiment, the positions you like/know etc… While talking about this, watch her reaction carefully, if she seems uncomfortable, this is a major RED FLAG. You should stop. If she giggles shyly, BINGO! Go on for a bit and tell her “it’s not fair, I’m giving you all my info and you aren’t saying anything. Oya talk jor”. Make the mood as light as possible. WARNING: Don’t talk about sex too much before you look like a perv. Moderation is the key.
- Break the touch barrier. Now this is quite risky. It requires lots of tact. The problem is that most of us Nigerian guys don’t pay attention. There are certain moods and scenarios that play out but because we are so myopic, we miss them. Touch is a very sensual thing and can change your status from ‘Mr. Friend Zone’ to ‘Mr. Boy Friend’ if applied right. Some of you think that kissing is the next step when with a girl, nah you idiots. Have you held her hand? I’m not talking of while you’re crossing Ikorodu road o. I’m talking of when you’re sitting and having a casual conversation, comment on her jewelry (maybe a bracelet), take her hand in yours and fondle a bit. PLEASE A BIT O! Not for like 10 minutes, what are you a palm reader? If she instinctively pulls her hand back, don’t grab it or hold tighter, just let it go, the mood isn’t right. Touching someone communicates you find them attractive and you are confident. If your friend is however used to cuddling with you and stuff and you have been scarce like I said earlier, the cuddles will become more special and less routine. The less she sees you, the more meaning it will have. This is why you must make sure you don’t portray yourself as needy. Sometimes, when the cuddle is getting cozy, suddenly remember that you have some business to attend to and leave (Please NEVER say you have to go see some people or other friends. It has to be strictly business not pleasure).
See, this thing is getting longer than I planned o. Basically sha, STOP BEING NEEDY. You really just need to relax, I know you like the girl die but your being around all the time isn’t making it better for you. For those of you who go on twitter and stalk the girl, Retweet her every tweet, LOL even when she’s not cracking jokes and run to her defense when she’s been ‘attacked’ online, nigga you need a chill pill. That shit don’t get you promoted, matter of fact it takes away cool points if you ever had any. Anyway, you know what they say “when you think your situation is bad, there’s someone who has it worse”. There are some in the “mugu zone” but that’s gist for another day. And for the ladies wondering why this is tailored to just guys, it’s simple: There is no “friend zone” for ladies. I’m serious. But if you think I’m lying, offer that guy your you-know-what and see whether he will dull. If he does, well, to every rule there’s an exception, BUT on this rule, it’s clear, he’s not straight.
I’ve said a lot BUT if my pointers don’t help, there’s a major short cut that you can take to help you jump out of the friend zone.
WARNING: This should only be used when all else fails, this short cut may not land you in the “relationship zone” but might promote you to the “friends with benefit” zone. It’s better atink?
The shortcut? ALCOHOL! You both get stone drunk and then do the do. Erm…see picture for further elucidation.